it starts with alcoholic mooses
by C. M. Spinks
Summary: ...this is barely a homestuck. this is probably more 'utter crap' or a troll fic. just...eh.
1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time there was an alcoholic moose.

The moose had lost his job to his substance abuse and was on the fast track into depression.

As his world spiraled into chaos, he met someone who would change his life forever.

This person was a cactus, and she loved him with all of her poky, spikey soul.

She was the descendant of the Great Barnacle Cactus from the Beran Sea of 1998.

She was beautiful, adorned with all the most beautiful flowers and had the voice of a goddess.

Sadly, she already had a cactus husband, who was involved with the plant mafia.

But the alchoholic moose was not to be outdone, no, he would win his cactus bride, and make intense spikey moose babies with her for many days.

So he hatched a plan… A plan for MURDER.

He scuttled downstairs into his moose cave, yelling out for his sidekick that often lurked in the shadows.

The sidekick came out of his/her lurking place, for all to see his/her shiny liquid body that was made of pure mercury and depression.

The Moose shared his plans which involved plenty of convoluted scheming to the liquid moosh that was his sidekick. He cackled softly as he knew his cactus wife will soon be his.

Out in the cactus part of town, shit was going down and the cactus maiden was captured in the midst of a mafia brawl.

She was taken to a salad bar, where all the cannibal mafia members hung out, spending their time eating various other plant based life forms, and drinking the drinks of the god Anubis, who claimed the cannibal cacti as his chosen children.

The cactus maiden shrieked in terror as her moose kidnapper carried her in his arms, when suddenly she started to convulse, babbling incoherently.

The moose's spidey-senses began tingling; something obviously was afoot.

The moose became worried for his beloved, for she never babbled incoherently on days other than tax holidays and weekends, and only when drunk and significantly high, and he threw on his doctor costume in an attempt to bring her back to coherency.

The other cannibal cacti took notice and whisked the Cactus maiden away, seeking her very fiber-rich body which will make them poop faster.

The moose snuck into the salad bar, in cognito, scanning the area for his beloved desert plant.

He saw something he wished to never see, his evil MOTHERFUCKING CLONE that wished to take everything he held dear and destroy it, holding his beloved cactus wife, who was obviously drunk/high. This new evil moose's name is Esoom.

Esoom cackled as he held the moose maiden and taunted the young and foolish doctor moose. "Doctor moose! Witness as I devour your beloved cactus maiden." Doctor moose took out his cane and shouted "NOT ON MY WATCH!"

And from the cane emitted colorful bursts of magic that lit up the whole room, mystifying all watching.

The glorious beams of light missed Doctor Moose and hit the Cactus maiden, a light covered the room and blinded everyone.

The doctor moose screamed, for he had not wanted to hit either himself or his beloved, but his evil MOTHERFUCKING CLONE, who held his maiden, wishing to devour her.

His maiden lay motionless on the ground, and the smell of burnt foliage filled the room.

Esoom also shocked faced.

And suddenly nuclear apocalypse.

The moose survived, because his sidekick sacrificed his/her self to save the one he/she loved, the moose, for he/she had always found his/her moose master the most lovely moose man to exist, and had instantly fallen in unrequited love.

The moose mourned momentarily over the loss but couldn't focus his attention away from his battered love.

But the moose knew then what he had to do, he had to consume the world in a blind, hateful rage to avenge his beloved cactus bride and to somewhat remember his strange hermaphrodite sidekick, but mostly to avenge his cactus bride.

Suddenly, Esoom sprouted wings and cried, "CAW CAW MOTHERFUCKERS" and grabbed the cactus bride.

"But my cactus bride is dead, why you grabs her dead bodies!?" Cried moose, who then began to expand his ungodly mouth to a size capable of eating the sun, and sucked up de whole earth with his suction powers.

The earth imploded and they rocketed throughout the vast space-y emptiness.

Then god said, "fuck, now I gots ta start ALL the fuck over. DAMN YOU MOOSE KIND! That'll teach me for making evil mooses with depression and clones and shit."

Then all of a sudden, a Dave from another timeline flew in, with his swag glasses n shit.

All the people askes Dave how he would fix the shit, and dave said

RAP

So the cactus's decaying corpse threw out a sick beat

And dave began to rap a rap that brought about a new era, an era of sick beats and fucktastic raps that make no sense, and as a new earth began to form, the cactus bride was brought back to life, but instead of choosing her moose lover, she chose instead to make intense spikey human babies with DAVE.

And then fucks happened and spikey human time-traveling swag babies


	2. Chapter 2

The doctor moose was angry, yes, he was terribly angry, for he had lost his cactus bride to a human that doesn't even exist.

And so the angry doctor moose decided to get his cactus bride back by any means necessary.

He vaguely remembered his mercury/depression sidekick who had died, but without him/her, the moose had difficulty coming up with a plan.

And before he made his plan he decided to get a drink at the Cactus Cannibal Salon, where he would think of finding a new he/she awesome sidekick.

Because the moose was the one who had swallowed the entire universe and existence, it was hard to do this, but when he did, he had to keep everything on the dl, which he assumed meant 'drunk loony' as a setting for his life.

And so he drank and tried to blend with the crowd of cannibals, but as he got drunker and drunker he started babbling like a lunatic, scaring all the cannibal cacti.

Save for one cannibal cacti, which wasn't really a cannibal at all, he was a she that thought she was a he therefore this is a paradox that doesn't matter in the storyline because this is a trollfiction and you people need to get a life.

This certain cactibal stared the moose down as he stumbled intoxicatedly around the salon.

The cactibal then danced a dance that would revive the moose's sobriety, but he messed up the plié, and accidentally grand jeted and instead the moose gained the new status of clinically insane, not undrunk.

Out in the time space continuum, Dave and moose-bride and their three million spikey cactus swag fetuses roamed through the galaxies.

Dave was confused because he had fallen asleep for five minutes, and in that time he apparently had created a new universe and became god there, as well as married a cactus goddess and made children with her, but he did not remember any of this. Dave suspected Lord English was afoot.

The tiem space continuum was somehow relatively close to the salon, where Lord English wandered, soaking in the scene of the moose raving around the room and the cactibal's body flails.

Lord English decided to help the moose gain back his cactus goddess and royally fuck davegod's shit up. Lord English had decided to ruin all that dave loves when dave refused to accept Lord English's love.

So in a way Lord English demolished his love for Dave through paradoxical things and then suddenly EXPLODING SPIKEY SWAG FETUSES HAPPENED

The children of dave heard across space and time that their father was in danger, and they thought that if they sacrificed themselves, their godfather would finally acknowledge their existence, and perhaps mourn them; however, they did not realize that their god-father was asleep when they occurred, and that is why he doesnot acknowledge them.

So dying fetuses exploded and floated away amonsggfdhnjklgfsk the constellations and shit.

Then dave felt within his heart that the children of his heart had given their lives for him, but they had failed because lord English is a motherfucking genius, so obviously fetuses that explode would never kill him.

Fetus particles floated around Dave and they distracted him from realizing that his cactus bride was missing.

Dave, though still confused, realized that he loved the cactus he had married whilst asleep, and, screaming, used the art of the teleporting fist, which transported him to the lair of ESOOM, the doctor moose's evil MOTHERFUCKING CLONE.

Dave rudely interrupted Esoom's daily aerobics work out via VHS women from the 80s

I am dave and I am god, therefore you must listen to me also I am a badass and that is another reason you need to listen to me, plus I can lay down some sick rhymes and shit. Said Dave.

Esoom said fjdskghlfd and then ran at Dave, wielding a pillow

Dave called upon the power of his birthright, passed down from father to mother to son to daughter, and then to dave, which gave him the ability to summon any kickass character of his choosing.

"SQUIRTLE, I CHOOSE YOU!" DAVE YELLED

Esoom screamed and felled upon the floor, realizing his weakness was at hand, for only turtles that are blue and can shoot water from their faces could beat him.

Squirtle used surf. It's super effective!

Esoom fainted. Use revive?

NO GET OUT OF HERE

Dave left esoom on the floor to die a horrible watery death. Continue?

NO I WILL NOT CONTINUE

Well fuck, how do we continue the damn story without continuing? Is this….THE END?

We tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE REFERENCE I MUST DIE NOW THIS IS THE END SO GOODBYE EVERYPONY

GAWD PRESIDENT LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DOOOOOO –throws owls at you-

TO BE CONTINUED?*dies by owl attack*


End file.
